Who is Anne? – My Story

It’s important, if you are going to take and use some of my lessons learned from my experiences (or at least enjoy what you’re reading), that you know a little bit about me. So, I’ll give you the “shortened” version of my story so you understand my background, my training, and my morals.

As always, if you ever have questions, leave them below and I’ll be sure to give you the best answer I can.

I was born in the early 1990s in rural Colorado. I am one of two daughters to two wonderful parents who are still together. I grew up a shy kid that liked music and sports and being creative. I got good grades, followed the rules, but liked to play hard too, so I was often at the doctor’s office for some silly reason. I got picked on for having short hair and being a tomboy. I learned how to be stoic, strong, unemotional, and in charge of my actions (although I did a really good job trying to avoid blame for much of my life).

I grew up in a Presbyterian church and went to public school. My family endured a horrific tragedy in 1999 (that I may talk about some other time) that shaped my life differently. I had to learn how to cope and deal with my emotions and try to make sense of something that I would never understand. I also learned how to keep from expressing my emotions so I wouldn’t get picked on in school.

While I was in high school, two people I knew very well ended up being sentenced to prison for very serious charges (two completely different incidents, but both equally traumatizing for me). Again, as to not attract too much suspicion, I tried to bury my feelings and look strong to make it easier on everybody else and myself; “to save face.”

I went to a public university where I studied ROTC, criminal justice, and computer science. I did not get commissioned, but I had a job in law enforcement before I graduated. I completed my BA in 3 years and became a peace officer at 21 years old.

I was a cop for about 3 years. I was young and learned so much about how to be an adult and manage all sorts of difficult, weird, unreasonable, dangerous, sad, and frustrating situations. I made so many mistakes and my personality of perfection often got in my own way. After being injured, having family issues at home, becoming depressed, being declined opportunities at work, and being put in increasingly more dangerous situations every day, I decided to leave my job as a cop for my own safety and sanity.

I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I knew I liked to serve people. I loved to give myself away. So, I decided to go back to wildland firefighting (a side job I had in college). I joined a small contract engine crew based out of Cody, Wyoming and packed what few belongings I had a moved out to the middle of nowhere (leaving my two therapy dogs behind with my parents).

I had an amazing first full season of wildland fire; visiting new places, learning about what fire does and how to best put it out, and how to learn and interact with all different kinds of people (that were not criminals!)

In the winter of 2016, I returned home to Colorado and spent my time cutting trees and mitigating yards for people in my community. I went back to Wyoming for the 2017 fire season.

This is where things started to get bad. On June 2nd, 2017, I sustained a traumatic brain injury at the shop while we were upgrading our fire truck (I remember very little of this day. I’ll detail the whole situation out in the next blog). I was treated and sent home; back on fires in less than a week. I spent the rest of the season on an emotional roller coaster because I couldn’t adequately control my reactions and emotions and I couldn’t figure out why things seemed to keep going wrong (I’ll explain the deficits I sustained in the next blog).

I was medically separated from my firefighting company in September 2017 after my friend and co-worker was injured. I went into a dangerous depression and only found solace in my old friends. I was able to find work through October 2017, and upon returning home to my parents in Colorado in November, we all realized there was something not quite right with me.

I sought out help (this was very hard for my big ego, and bad-ass attitude to admit) and spent several months trying to find a neurologist and fighting with worker’s compensation to try to get them to pay to treat the effects of my injury from June. Long story short, I found my own insurance, and I found some doctors that actually cared about my situation. I also had a shoulder injury that needed to be addressed (that is still undetermined whether to be from my fall in June or from over use).

It’s difficult to try to explain my symptoms and struggles to people (even the ones I’ve known for a long time) because they can’t see that anything has changed. All of the symptoms of my injury are invisible and it is so hard for me to explain to my friends why I act differently. It’s hard to get support when people don’t understand what’s wrong so they don’t understand how to help.

I spent 18 months (and 172 appointments) going to different doctors, seeing therapists, having surgery, doing tests and imaging, going to counseling, and trying to get myself back to where I was before I got hurt. I thought that was an attainable goal because I had lived that way for so long. I didn’t realize that I would have to learn to live my life a little differently from then on. There was no going back to what I had. This has been a very long process for me with lots of setbacks and struggles in my own mind. And it will be an ongoing battle for the considerable future.

As I felt I was able to get a better handle on my emotions, reactions, problem solving, processing, and mobility and strength, I started to look for new places to take myself. I had done so much work trying to get myself better and I wanted to take my new experiences and skills and be able to use them and still do a job that I loved. I wanted to get back into wildland fire. I felt stuck where I was, so I applied and applied and applied to get on a new crew. I was offered a position in Montana and moved there in the spring of 2019.

There, I continued some of my therapies and focused a lot on my talk therapy and journaling (the things I could do best on my own). It’s been a rough process leaving all my friends and family and starting over, but I have a new respect for the obstacles I can overcome. I’m excited to continue to share my struggles and victories going forward as I master my deficits and continue to serve people and go further in the job I love.

Stay tuned for more stories about my traumatic brain injury and how I worked my way into wildland fire. I have a lot of information I think is worth sharing.