Taboo

Posted on by elitefire1507

I’ve started this over twice trying to get some points across that I thought would be easy to read. Yet another struggle of mine – putting the things I was to communicate into a way that is easy for other people to understand. The ideas make sense in my head, but I can’t always find the words that fit. (Also, thanks spell check for the help with the dyslexia). Either way, here are my thoughts and I hope you can empathize with some struggles and maybe see some hope in your own situation.

This is about to get a little religious, so those of you that don’t like it – move along. It’s my thing, it works for me, and I’m not going to force what I think and do upon you. But, if you ever want to talk about it, I’d love to share my thoughts.

The photos attached to this blog are merely because I like sharing my photos – they don’t have much to do with the stories.

My favorite things in the whole wide world
Hiking, aspens, and the girls
R+R

Most of you will be able to relate to a lot of this because you have either felt something similar or known someone that has. However, a majority of these things are all considered taboo, things we should avoid talking about, or things that make us look weak or lesser. I notice these things about myself because I’m in “recovery mode” and trying to better my mental health, but I also once thought these were taboo.

Most people don’t think lesser of a service member with PTSD – they think they are brave – for being able to overcome some bad stuff and be able to keep going. I also get to be brave for admitting I have it, and surviving with PTSD. None of my symptoms are from combat, but from traumatic situations: death, assault, injury, and extreme grief. These kinds of issues need to be more acceptable to fix. You wouldn’t judge a person with a broken arm for going to get pain pills and a cast, so don’t judge the person with a mental injury or illness for getting therapy or medication.

We can all be better humans: more successful, better mental health, better relationships, more happiness and fulfillment, and maybe even better drivers (XD, but seriously, just learn how to be more courteous and grateful each day). We need to acknowledge where our weaknesses are, no matter what other people think.

Sunset – Missoula, MT

If you were to read the 13 page medical report that I had completed at the end of last year (about halfway through my cognitive recoveries), you would find a whole bunch of medical jargon and test results that didn’t really give you a good picture of me. There’s a couple of suggestions for treatment on the last page that basically suggested I stop working and start the concussion protocol from day 1. This would mean starting in a dark, quiet room and slowly adding activity, work and stress over at least a 3 week period. That’s pretty impossible for someone living paycheck to paycheck (and trying to pay off all those medical bills).

The medical report has been explained to me where I understand that I have problems with processing speed, critical thinking, mood stabilization, and problem solving (especially under stress). This is not good news for someone who loves, and has been working in emergency services for 7 years. Now, I have a professional struggle. I have already written off two jobs because of the stress you can be exposed to. I’m uncomfortable with my current ability to manage and respond to repeated extreme stress. I am doing what I can to monitor myself on my responses I make under stress and am doing my best to be forgiving, but also to develop more skills to be better.

Seeley Lake, MT
The location of our longest fire in 2017 – Looks pretty good now

I had someone ask me recently, “what are the things you’re struggling with?” (in regards to my brain injury). I explained that my mood swings are frequent and annoying, and the battle with those in is my own head, and difficult to explain. I also said that my processing speed is snow, so it takes me a while to understand complex situations or things with a lot of information (which is bad during stress, but everyone has different struggles under stress). And if someone tries to explain to me abstract things, I have a very difficult time trying to understand them.

However, as I told him each of these things, I feel like there’s so much more behind the story. The things that bother me are very complex and interwoven into all my everyday tasks. Some I have learned to deal with better than others. Anxiety, restlessness, depression, hopelessness, excitement, attitude, inspiration, hope, things I can’t control, relationships, and even the weather. We live in a world that is overly engaged, stressed, overworked, and phone addicted. We need to re-engage to find gratitude and happiness in the smaller aspects of our lives. This will get you so much farther that just trying to “grind” all the time.

12″ Bass – Clinton, MT
I often fish in the evenings to keep myself sane
It gives me an escape, but also lets me think at the same time

I am currently going through a “storm” in my life where the fire season is very slow (although, I am super thankful we are not breathing in smoke this year! but it’s making it really hard to pay the bills) and the status of my job doesn’t allow me to leave town. This has put a great burden on my emotional health and my finances. I am ready and willing to work (and have proven it to both my employers), but there is no available work in my sector at this time. I have tried meditation, fishing, walks, talk therapy, sermons, prayer, sleeping, alcohol, and writing. Some of these have been beneficial, and some have shown me ways you shouldn’t cope with struggle.

I am continuously going back and forth between asking for help because I get overwhelmed or need some help coming up with new ideas, and saying “screw what everyone else thinks” and chase your dreams. I need to get out of the mindset of just trying to get everything I want and focus on where I should be.

Where does God have the best plans for me? Maybe I’ve been looking at my career wrong and wanted to be able to work hard and be outside and make a difference and do cool and dangerous stuff. But maybe – I’ve gotten what I can as an adrenaline junkie and it’s time for me to move onto something where I can serve God and my community. Somewhere that has a set schedule and benefits, and guaranteed work, and maybe even a salary. Maybe it’s time to invest in a business or get a 9-5 (but the thought of that makes me restless). These are the struggles I’m facing at the moment, and I’m so unsure because my goals aren’t quite concrete. Every time I make a 5 year plan, it changes so dramatically even before I’m half way through it, I get discouraged to make more long term goals.

I heard a couple of sermons that emphasized that the problem is not with my boss, my injury, my finances, or my relationships, but it’s with my heart. I’m not focusing on giving my struggles to God and letting him speak to me and guide me. I should refocus my goals and try to make lists of tasks I can handle now, and let the rest of the stuff that is bothering me to be handled by my creator. I can’t change much of it, so why worry about it? There’s also a message to “stay in the fight.” This means that when I signed up for a life in Jesus Christ, there will always be opposition. People won’t agree with you, Satan will try to destroy you, and you will have trouble. But living a life in God is not easy, it’s the best! (And for those of you completely against this paragraph – if my religion does nothing more than make me a little bit better of a human, has it not done something good?)

Tour of the Neptune facility – Missoula, MT
This is Tanker 02 – a plane that carries 3,000 gal of retardant

I just recently had one evening change a large outlook on my future. Now I’m in the middle of my quarter-life crisis (where I didn’t go out and spend all my money and wonder where my life is going – I didn’t have money to begin with, but am considering a career change (for the second time) to better align my life with God).

I’m attempting to make new goals without getting discouraged. My biggest question is not: what makes you happy? anymore – It’s now: where do you see yourself in 20 years? With the surgeries and struggles I’ve had, the jobs I once loved may not be right for me in the extended future. Now that I think I’ve officially become an adult (maybe… probably not – I still think farts are funny) it’s time for me to make completely different goals with a more distant and God-filled future in mind.

Answers can be found in many places – in prayer, talking things over with friends and family, books, a motivating quote from instagram, an act of kindness, or a good workout, to name a few. Everything is different and yet the same when we struggle. Be greatful every day. Workout. Call your family. Eat healthy. Keep a journal. Know your identity. Do your best.

As always, I’m open to questions and comments. If you want to see more on the injury and recovery side or if you want me to delve into a firefighter’s lifestyle, let me know.

Traumatic Brain Injury – a story, I don’t remember

Posted on by elitefire1507
2016 – Berry Fire, Grand Teton National Park – Wyoming
This is the truck in reference in this story

I’m going to attempt to piece together what I can because I only have two short memories of the day of my injury.

The day is June 2nd, 2017. I was stationed in Clark, Wyoming on a contract wildland engine awaiting a fire call. There were three of us crew members living in a remote area and training for and awaiting the next wildland fire dispatch. We went to the bar in the morning for coffee (the only place within 40 miles to purchase things, and we did this almost every morning to socialize and get some breakfast and coffee).

When we returned to the shop to get started with our maintenance and training day, we had truck upgrades on the docket. I’m not super mechanically inclined, so I was just the helper for the day. My boss, Mike and my good friend and co-worker Levi, were installing new air-ride seats in our type 4 wildland fire engine (pictured above).

From what I understand, I went to pick up something from the rear of the truck and was carrying it in my arms. All four doors were open on the fire truck and I was walking from the back of the truck to the front of the truck, on the passenger’s side. Mike and Levi were both inside the truck and there was an air hose stretched across the shop and into the truck. Apparently, as I was walking around the open truck doors, I stepped on the air hose as Mike was pulling it into the truck. I tripped, going head first, and my head contacted the corner of the open front door. My head hit the truck door and I ended up on the concrete floor below. I hit the door so hard that it swung all the way open and slammed back shut due to the force.

The corner of the door split my scalp wide open and (this was discovered many months later in some imaging and testing) I sustained a coup/contrecoup kind of concussion. This is an initial strike of the brain inside the skull, followed by a strike on the opposite side. My brain impacted the inside of my skull when I hit the truck, and it hit my skull again when I landed on the ground.

I don’t remember anything that happened in the shop. From what Mike and Levi told me, I was able to sort of get up slowly to my knees as my head was bleeding profusely. It was like someone turned on a red faucet. Mike grabbed some blue shop towels and applied pressure to attempt to stop the bleeding. Levi got his trauma bag and an ice pack. We covered my head wound with an abdominal trauma pad (a really, really big piece of gauze) and an ice pack to control the bleeding. I was still kneeling on the ground next to a very large puddle of blood. Levi helped me get into his truck and then we decided that Mike would drive us in his truck.

Levi helped me into the passenger’s seat and he got in the back, behind me to make sure he would have a good span of control in case something else happened in the 40 mile ride to the nearest hospital. I don’t remember any of this and apparently I was pretty spacey. I asked to wear sunglasses because light and sound made the awful headache that I had even worse. But this also made it difficult for my two crew members to keep track of how I was doing.

We arrived at the Cody hospital and I was able to walk myself in, still clutching the bloody trauma pad on top of my head. The doctors found me a room and Mike came back with me. They asked me a few questions and then cleaned and stapled up my head. There are a few pictures and a video somewhere of me getting my wound closed (this is the only way my brain has been able to piece together what happened). The hospital staff in Cody must have thought I was doing just fine – they released me back to work after about 2 hours in the Emergency Room.

June 2017 – About a week after the injury
I was taking a picture so I could see how good the staples looked

*(if you guys want to see the graphic photo, let me know, I’ll give it to ya!)

That night, I went out with friends to the rodeo. I don’t remember any of that night except for somebody asking me if I was alright and me lying and saying I was fine. I felt very out of it and unsteady at the time (but who knows if that is indeed a good memory, or something my brain put together).

In the following week, I was told to stay in the darkness and rest. I was having terrible headaches and I couldn’t keep any food down. All I wanted to do was go back to work, but I did not have the energy, concentration, or ability to be active for any period of time. This continued for two days. After we noticed that my symptoms were not getting any better, the boss’s wife drove me to a different hospital; the next closest, 85 miles away. I remember wanting to throw up the whole way there.

Once we arrived in the ER, they barraged us for the worker’s comp information and eventually got me to see a doctor. He set me up in a gown and a bed and on a machine to monitor my stats. As the boss’s wife and I waited and waited, the monitor kept going off because my blood pressure was getting low. The doctor eventually turned off the annoying sound (I also later learned: decreased blood pressure can be a symptom of brain swelling because the body is trying to decrease the pressure in the brain). I was given a CT scan of my head (3 days after the incident) that was explained to me as “unremarkable.”

I was sent home with some nausea medication and told to go back to work. Here’s where all of the problems started. Not only because I was having continued symptoms of a brain injury, but because I wanted to be stoic: I wanted to be okay, I just wanted everything to go back to normal so I could return to the job I loved. This didn’t help me one bit.

2017 – Clark, Wyoming
Jim’s Ditch Burn

We did a small control burn in Clark, Wyoming about a week after my injury, and I can remember in a critical time, I was given an order by my boss and I did not complete it correctly. I barely remember this, but only because I remember getting yelled at for something. It was no risk to safety at the time, but I should have known better. This is where the start of the lessons learned begins: if you have a crew member that is not acting as they usually do (especially after an injury or critical incident in their life), take them off the job and get them to at least talk about it, or get them professional help. Or if you do not feel good, say something!

About two weeks after my injury, we were called to respond to our first fire of the season down in Colorado. This was a medium sized fire, in the hot June sun, near a coal and gas processing area. We were kicking some butt, doing some difficult and dangerous tasks, and getting the fire wrangled in. We were doing the job we loved, learning, and effectively completing our tasks.

June 2017 – Colorado
Mike looking on as we are gauging fire behavior.

We were in and out of the truck and working with attack lines (short hoses off the truck) and trying to put out spot fires that the wind kept causing. I was still making mistakes and getting frustrated with myself! I only remember bits and pieces of this assignment (again, because of photos and helmet camera videos mostly), but also because I remember being yelled at for making mistakes.

We were only on this fire for a couple of days, but upon being released and starting our way home, we realized that all three of us crew members were getting sick and fatigued and vomiting during and just after this fire. These were all symptoms listed for SO2 and H2S poisoning; two byproducts of coal and gas processing. At some point during our efforts to fight this fire, we were exposed to one or both of these gasses and were feeling the short term effects from it. This was later determined to likely be a factor in why my brain injury symptoms were prolonged and magnified.

In the weeks following, we were involved in a political battle where the fire region we were in was not sending out the appropriate resources, and we ended up being stuck at our home base with no work for about a month. I’ll get a little more into detail with this in the next blog, as it leads to my severe depressive state I found myself in before we got assigned to another fire.

2017 – Clark, Wyoming
We did a lot of fishing on our time off

All of the facts I have stated here are what I can remember about the incidents. It may have happened a little differently than what I remember, but that is all I have to go off of.

Who is Anne? – My Story

Posted on by elitefire1507

It’s important, if you are going to take and use some of my lessons learned from my experiences (or at least enjoy what you’re reading), that you know a little bit about me. So, I’ll give you the “shortened” version of my story so you understand my background, my training, and my morals.

As always, if you ever have questions, leave them below and I’ll be sure to give you the best answer I can.

2018 – Mt. Bierdstadt, Colorado
The two most amazing dogs in the world,
they got me to where I’m at now

I was born in the early 1990s in rural Colorado. I am one of two daughters to two wonderful parents who are still together. I grew up a shy kid that liked music and sports and being creative. I got good grades, followed the rules, but liked to play hard too, so I was often at the doctor’s office for some silly reason. I got picked on for having short hair and being a tomboy. I learned how to be stoic, strong, unemotional, and in charge of my actions (although I did a really good job trying to avoid blame for much of my life).

I grew up in a Presbyterian church and went to public school. My family endured a horrific tragedy in 1999 (that I may talk about some other time) that shaped my life differently. I had to learn how to cope and deal with my emotions and try to make sense of something that I would never understand. I also learned how to keep from expressing my emotions so I wouldn’t get picked on in school.

2001 – Softball Practice, Colorado

While I was in high school, two people I knew very well ended up being sentenced to prison for very serious charges (two completely different incidents, but both equally traumatizing for me). Again, as to not attract too much suspicion, I tried to bury my feelings and look strong to make it easier on everybody else and myself; “to save face.”

I went to a public university where I studied ROTC, criminal justice, and computer science. I did not get commissioned, but I had a job in law enforcement before I graduated. I completed my BA in 3 years and became a peace officer at 21 years old.

2014 – The only people that kept me sane in the academy – Colorado

I was a cop for about 3 years. I was young and learned so much about how to be an adult and manage all sorts of difficult, weird, unreasonable, dangerous, sad, and frustrating situations. I made so many mistakes and my personality of perfection often got in my own way. After being injured, having family issues at home, becoming depressed, being declined opportunities at work, and being put in increasingly more dangerous situations every day, I decided to leave my job as a cop for my own safety and sanity.

I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I knew I liked to serve people. I loved to give myself away. So, I decided to go back to wildland firefighting (a side job I had in college). I joined a small contract engine crew based out of Cody, Wyoming and packed what few belongings I had a moved out to the middle of nowhere (leaving my two therapy dogs behind with my parents).

I had an amazing first full season of wildland fire; visiting new places, learning about what fire does and how to best put it out, and how to learn and interact with all different kinds of people (that were not criminals!)

2016 – Berry Fire, Grand Teton National Park – Wyoming

In the winter of 2016, I returned home to Colorado and spent my time cutting trees and mitigating yards for people in my community. I went back to Wyoming for the 2017 fire season.

This is where things started to get bad. On June 2nd, 2017, I sustained a traumatic brain injury at the shop while we were upgrading our fire truck (I remember very little of this day. I’ll detail the whole situation out in the next blog). I was treated and sent home; back on fires in less than a week. I spent the rest of the season on an emotional roller coaster because I couldn’t adequately control my reactions and emotions and I couldn’t figure out why things seemed to keep going wrong (I’ll explain the deficits I sustained in the next blog).

2017 (post head injury) – Control Burn – Wyoming

I was medically separated from my firefighting company in September 2017 after my friend and co-worker was injured. I went into a dangerous depression and only found solace in my old friends. I was able to find work through October 2017, and upon returning home to my parents in Colorado in November, we all realized there was something not quite right with me.

I sought out help (this was very hard for my big ego, and bad-ass attitude to admit) and spent several months trying to find a neurologist and fighting with worker’s compensation to try to get them to pay to treat the effects of my injury from June. Long story short, I found my own insurance, and I found some doctors that actually cared about my situation. I also had a shoulder injury that needed to be addressed (that is still undetermined whether to be from my fall in June or from over use).

2018 – Shoulder Surgery – Colorado

It’s difficult to try to explain my symptoms and struggles to people (even the ones I’ve known for a long time) because they can’t see that anything has changed. All of the symptoms of my injury are invisible and it is so hard for me to explain to my friends why I act differently. It’s hard to get support when people don’t understand what’s wrong so they don’t understand how to help.

I spent 18 months (and 172 appointments) going to different doctors, seeing therapists, having surgery, doing tests and imaging, going to counseling, and trying to get myself back to where I was before I got hurt. I thought that was an attainable goal because I had lived that way for so long. I didn’t realize that I would have to learn to live my life a little differently from then on. There was no going back to what I had. This has been a very long process for me with lots of setbacks and struggles in my own mind. And it will be an ongoing battle for the considerable future.

As I felt I was able to get a better handle on my emotions, reactions, problem solving, processing, and mobility and strength, I started to look for new places to take myself. I had done so much work trying to get myself better and I wanted to take my new experiences and skills and be able to use them and still do a job that I loved. I wanted to get back into wildland fire. I felt stuck where I was, so I applied and applied and applied to get on a new crew. I was offered a position in Montana and moved there in the spring of 2019.

There, I continued some of my therapies and focused a lot on my talk therapy and journaling (the things I could do best on my own). It’s been a rough process leaving all my friends and family and starting over, but I have a new respect for the obstacles I can overcome. I’m excited to continue to share my struggles and victories going forward as I master my deficits and continue to serve people and go further in the job I love.

Stay tuned for more stories about my traumatic brain injury and how I worked my way into wildland fire. I have a lot of information I think is worth sharing.

2018 – Mt. Evans, Colorado
Seriously love these girls

Welcome to My New Blog

Posted on by elitefire1507

Wildland Fire

Traumatic Brain Injury

Mental Health

Fitness

Faith

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

Posted on by elitefire1507

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.