I’ve started this over twice trying to get some points across that I thought would be easy to read. Yet another struggle of mine – putting the things I was to communicate into a way that is easy for other people to understand. The ideas make sense in my head, but I can’t always find the words that fit. (Also, thanks spell check for the help with the dyslexia). Either way, here are my thoughts and I hope you can empathize with some struggles and maybe see some hope in your own situation.
This is about to get a little religious, so those of you that don’t like it – move along. It’s my thing, it works for me, and I’m not going to force what I think and do upon you. But, if you ever want to talk about it, I’d love to share my thoughts.
The photos attached to this blog are merely because I like sharing my photos – they don’t have much to do with the stories.
Hiking, aspens, and the girls
R+R
Most of you will be able to relate to a lot of this because you have either felt something similar or known someone that has. However, a majority of these things are all considered taboo, things we should avoid talking about, or things that make us look weak or lesser. I notice these things about myself because I’m in “recovery mode” and trying to better my mental health, but I also once thought these were taboo.
Most people don’t think lesser of a service member with PTSD – they think they are brave – for being able to overcome some bad stuff and be able to keep going. I also get to be brave for admitting I have it, and surviving with PTSD. None of my symptoms are from combat, but from traumatic situations: death, assault, injury, and extreme grief. These kinds of issues need to be more acceptable to fix. You wouldn’t judge a person with a broken arm for going to get pain pills and a cast, so don’t judge the person with a mental injury or illness for getting therapy or medication.
We can all be better humans: more successful, better mental health, better relationships, more happiness and fulfillment, and maybe even better drivers (XD, but seriously, just learn how to be more courteous and grateful each day). We need to acknowledge where our weaknesses are, no matter what other people think.
If you were to read the 13 page medical report that I had completed at the end of last year (about halfway through my cognitive recoveries), you would find a whole bunch of medical jargon and test results that didn’t really give you a good picture of me. There’s a couple of suggestions for treatment on the last page that basically suggested I stop working and start the concussion protocol from day 1. This would mean starting in a dark, quiet room and slowly adding activity, work and stress over at least a 3 week period. That’s pretty impossible for someone living paycheck to paycheck (and trying to pay off all those medical bills).
The medical report has been explained to me where I understand that I have problems with processing speed, critical thinking, mood stabilization, and problem solving (especially under stress). This is not good news for someone who loves, and has been working in emergency services for 7 years. Now, I have a professional struggle. I have already written off two jobs because of the stress you can be exposed to. I’m uncomfortable with my current ability to manage and respond to repeated extreme stress. I am doing what I can to monitor myself on my responses I make under stress and am doing my best to be forgiving, but also to develop more skills to be better.
The location of our longest fire in 2017 – Looks pretty good now
I had someone ask me recently, “what are the things you’re struggling with?” (in regards to my brain injury). I explained that my mood swings are frequent and annoying, and the battle with those in is my own head, and difficult to explain. I also said that my processing speed is snow, so it takes me a while to understand complex situations or things with a lot of information (which is bad during stress, but everyone has different struggles under stress). And if someone tries to explain to me abstract things, I have a very difficult time trying to understand them.
However, as I told him each of these things, I feel like there’s so much more behind the story. The things that bother me are very complex and interwoven into all my everyday tasks. Some I have learned to deal with better than others. Anxiety, restlessness, depression, hopelessness, excitement, attitude, inspiration, hope, things I can’t control, relationships, and even the weather. We live in a world that is overly engaged, stressed, overworked, and phone addicted. We need to re-engage to find gratitude and happiness in the smaller aspects of our lives. This will get you so much farther that just trying to “grind” all the time.
I often fish in the evenings to keep myself sane
It gives me an escape, but also lets me think at the same time
I am currently going through a “storm” in my life where the fire season is very slow (although, I am super thankful we are not breathing in smoke this year! but it’s making it really hard to pay the bills) and the status of my job doesn’t allow me to leave town. This has put a great burden on my emotional health and my finances. I am ready and willing to work (and have proven it to both my employers), but there is no available work in my sector at this time. I have tried meditation, fishing, walks, talk therapy, sermons, prayer, sleeping, alcohol, and writing. Some of these have been beneficial, and some have shown me ways you shouldn’t cope with struggle.
I am continuously going back and forth between asking for help because I get overwhelmed or need some help coming up with new ideas, and saying “screw what everyone else thinks” and chase your dreams. I need to get out of the mindset of just trying to get everything I want and focus on where I should be.
Where does God have the best plans for me? Maybe I’ve been looking at my career wrong and wanted to be able to work hard and be outside and make a difference and do cool and dangerous stuff. But maybe – I’ve gotten what I can as an adrenaline junkie and it’s time for me to move onto something where I can serve God and my community. Somewhere that has a set schedule and benefits, and guaranteed work, and maybe even a salary. Maybe it’s time to invest in a business or get a 9-5 (but the thought of that makes me restless). These are the struggles I’m facing at the moment, and I’m so unsure because my goals aren’t quite concrete. Every time I make a 5 year plan, it changes so dramatically even before I’m half way through it, I get discouraged to make more long term goals.
I heard a couple of sermons that emphasized that the problem is not with my boss, my injury, my finances, or my relationships, but it’s with my heart. I’m not focusing on giving my struggles to God and letting him speak to me and guide me. I should refocus my goals and try to make lists of tasks I can handle now, and let the rest of the stuff that is bothering me to be handled by my creator. I can’t change much of it, so why worry about it? There’s also a message to “stay in the fight.” This means that when I signed up for a life in Jesus Christ, there will always be opposition. People won’t agree with you, Satan will try to destroy you, and you will have trouble. But living a life in God is not easy, it’s the best! (And for those of you completely against this paragraph – if my religion does nothing more than make me a little bit better of a human, has it not done something good?)
This is Tanker 02 – a plane that carries 3,000 gal of retardant
I just recently had one evening change a large outlook on my future. Now I’m in the middle of my quarter-life crisis (where I didn’t go out and spend all my money and wonder where my life is going – I didn’t have money to begin with, but am considering a career change (for the second time) to better align my life with God).
I’m attempting to make new goals without getting discouraged. My biggest question is not: what makes you happy? anymore – It’s now: where do you see yourself in 20 years? With the surgeries and struggles I’ve had, the jobs I once loved may not be right for me in the extended future. Now that I think I’ve officially become an adult (maybe… probably not – I still think farts are funny) it’s time for me to make completely different goals with a more distant and God-filled future in mind.
Answers can be found in many places – in prayer, talking things over with friends and family, books, a motivating quote from instagram, an act of kindness, or a good workout, to name a few. Everything is different and yet the same when we struggle. Be greatful every day. Workout. Call your family. Eat healthy. Keep a journal. Know your identity. Do your best.
As always, I’m open to questions and comments. If you want to see more on the injury and recovery side or if you want me to delve into a firefighter’s lifestyle, let me know.
One Foot in the Black 