fitness

I’ve started this over twice trying to get some points across that I thought would be easy to read. Yet another struggle of mine – putting the things I was to communicate into a way that is easy for other people to understand. The ideas make sense in my head, but I can’t always find the words that fit. (Also, thanks spell check for the help with the dyslexia). Either way, here are my thoughts and I hope you can empathize with some struggles and maybe see some hope in your own situation.

This is about to get a little religious, so those of you that don’t like it – move along. It’s my thing, it works for me, and I’m not going to force what I think and do upon you. But, if you ever want to talk about it, I’d love to share my thoughts.

The photos attached to this blog are merely because I like sharing my photos – they don’t have much to do with the stories.

My favorite things in the whole wide world
Hiking, aspens, and the girls
R+R

Most of you will be able to relate to a lot of this because you have either felt something similar or known someone that has. However, a majority of these things are all considered taboo, things we should avoid talking about, or things that make us look weak or lesser. I notice these things about myself because I’m in “recovery mode” and trying to better my mental health, but I also once thought these were taboo.

Most people don’t think lesser of a service member with PTSD – they think they are brave – for being able to overcome some bad stuff and be able to keep going. I also get to be brave for admitting I have it, and surviving with PTSD. None of my symptoms are from combat, but from traumatic situations: death, assault, injury, and extreme grief. These kinds of issues need to be more acceptable to fix. You wouldn’t judge a person with a broken arm for going to get pain pills and a cast, so don’t judge the person with a mental injury or illness for getting therapy or medication.

We can all be better humans: more successful, better mental health, better relationships, more happiness and fulfillment, and maybe even better drivers (XD, but seriously, just learn how to be more courteous and grateful each day). We need to acknowledge where our weaknesses are, no matter what other people think.

If you were to read the 13 page medical report that I had completed at the end of last year (about halfway through my cognitive recoveries), you would find a whole bunch of medical jargon and test results that didn’t really give you a good picture of me. There’s a couple of suggestions for treatment on the last page that basically suggested I stop working and start the concussion protocol from day 1. This would mean starting in a dark, quiet room and slowly adding activity, work and stress over at least a 3 week period. That’s pretty impossible for someone living paycheck to paycheck (and trying to pay off all those medical bills).

The medical report has been explained to me where I understand that I have problems with processing speed, critical thinking, mood stabilization, and problem solving (especially under stress). This is not good news for someone who loves, and has been working in emergency services for 7 years. Now, I have a professional struggle. I have already written off two jobs because of the stress you can be exposed to. I’m uncomfortable with my current ability to manage and respond to repeated extreme stress. I am doing what I can to monitor myself on my responses I make under stress and am doing my best to be forgiving, but also to develop more skills to be better.

Seeley Lake, MT
The location of our longest fire in 2017 – Looks pretty good now

I had someone ask me recently, “what are the things you’re struggling with?” (in regards to my brain injury). I explained that my mood swings are frequent and annoying, and the battle with those in is my own head, and difficult to explain. I also said that my processing speed is snow, so it takes me a while to understand complex situations or things with a lot of information (which is bad during stress, but everyone has different struggles under stress). And if someone tries to explain to me abstract things, I have a very difficult time trying to understand them.

However, as I told him each of these things, I feel like there’s so much more behind the story. The things that bother me are very complex and interwoven into all my everyday tasks. Some I have learned to deal with better than others. Anxiety, restlessness, depression, hopelessness, excitement, attitude, inspiration, hope, things I can’t control, relationships, and even the weather. We live in a world that is overly engaged, stressed, overworked, and phone addicted. We need to re-engage to find gratitude and happiness in the smaller aspects of our lives. This will get you so much farther that just trying to “grind” all the time.

12″ Bass – Clinton, MT
I often fish in the evenings to keep myself sane
It gives me an escape, but also lets me think at the same time

I am currently going through a “storm” in my life where the fire season is very slow (although, I am super thankful we are not breathing in smoke this year! but it’s making it really hard to pay the bills) and the status of my job doesn’t allow me to leave town. This has put a great burden on my emotional health and my finances. I am ready and willing to work (and have proven it to both my employers), but there is no available work in my sector at this time. I have tried meditation, fishing, walks, talk therapy, sermons, prayer, sleeping, alcohol, and writing. Some of these have been beneficial, and some have shown me ways you shouldn’t cope with struggle.

I am continuously going back and forth between asking for help because I get overwhelmed or need some help coming up with new ideas, and saying “screw what everyone else thinks” and chase your dreams. I need to get out of the mindset of just trying to get everything I want and focus on where I should be.

Where does God have the best plans for me? Maybe I’ve been looking at my career wrong and wanted to be able to work hard and be outside and make a difference and do cool and dangerous stuff. But maybe – I’ve gotten what I can as an adrenaline junkie and it’s time for me to move onto something where I can serve God and my community. Somewhere that has a set schedule and benefits, and guaranteed work, and maybe even a salary. Maybe it’s time to invest in a business or get a 9-5 (but the thought of that makes me restless). These are the struggles I’m facing at the moment, and I’m so unsure because my goals aren’t quite concrete. Every time I make a 5 year plan, it changes so dramatically even before I’m half way through it, I get discouraged to make more long term goals.

I heard a couple of sermons that emphasized that the problem is not with my boss, my injury, my finances, or my relationships, but it’s with my heart. I’m not focusing on giving my struggles to God and letting him speak to me and guide me. I should refocus my goals and try to make lists of tasks I can handle now, and let the rest of the stuff that is bothering me to be handled by my creator. I can’t change much of it, so why worry about it? There’s also a message to “stay in the fight.” This means that when I signed up for a life in Jesus Christ, there will always be opposition. People won’t agree with you, Satan will try to destroy you, and you will have trouble. But living a life in God is not easy, it’s the best! (And for those of you completely against this paragraph – if my religion does nothing more than make me a little bit better of a human, has it not done something good?)

Tour of the Neptune facility – Missoula, MT
This is Tanker 02 – a plane that carries 3,000 gal of retardant

I just recently had one evening change a large outlook on my future. Now I’m in the middle of my quarter-life crisis (where I didn’t go out and spend all my money and wonder where my life is going – I didn’t have money to begin with, but am considering a career change (for the second time) to better align my life with God).

I’m attempting to make new goals without getting discouraged. My biggest question is not: what makes you happy? anymore – It’s now: where do you see yourself in 20 years? With the surgeries and struggles I’ve had, the jobs I once loved may not be right for me in the extended future. Now that I think I’ve officially become an adult (maybe… probably not – I still think farts are funny) it’s time for me to make completely different goals with a more distant and God-filled future in mind.

Answers can be found in many places – in prayer, talking things over with friends and family, books, a motivating quote from instagram, an act of kindness, or a good workout, to name a few. Everything is different and yet the same when we struggle. Be greatful every day. Workout. Call your family. Eat healthy. Keep a journal. Know your identity. Do your best.

As always, I’m open to questions and comments. If you want to see more on the injury and recovery side or if you want me to delve into a firefighter’s lifestyle, let me know.

It’s important, if you are going to take and use some of my lessons learned from my experiences (or at least enjoy what you’re reading), that you know a little bit about me. So, I’ll give you the “shortened” version of my story so you understand my background, my training, and my morals.

As always, if you ever have questions, leave them below and I’ll be sure to give you the best answer I can.

2018 – Mt. Bierdstadt, Colorado
The two most amazing dogs in the world,
they got me to where I’m at now

I was born in the early 1990s in rural Colorado. I am one of two daughters to two wonderful parents who are still together. I grew up a shy kid that liked music and sports and being creative. I got good grades, followed the rules, but liked to play hard too, so I was often at the doctor’s office for some silly reason. I got picked on for having short hair and being a tomboy. I learned how to be stoic, strong, unemotional, and in charge of my actions (although I did a really good job trying to avoid blame for much of my life).

I grew up in a Presbyterian church and went to public school. My family endured a horrific tragedy in 1999 (that I may talk about some other time) that shaped my life differently. I had to learn how to cope and deal with my emotions and try to make sense of something that I would never understand. I also learned how to keep from expressing my emotions so I wouldn’t get picked on in school.

While I was in high school, two people I knew very well ended up being sentenced to prison for very serious charges (two completely different incidents, but both equally traumatizing for me). Again, as to not attract too much suspicion, I tried to bury my feelings and look strong to make it easier on everybody else and myself; “to save face.”

I went to a public university where I studied ROTC, criminal justice, and computer science. I did not get commissioned, but I had a job in law enforcement before I graduated. I completed my BA in 3 years and became a peace officer at 21 years old.

2014 – The only people that kept me sane in the academy – Colorado

I was a cop for about 3 years. I was young and learned so much about how to be an adult and manage all sorts of difficult, weird, unreasonable, dangerous, sad, and frustrating situations. I made so many mistakes and my personality of perfection often got in my own way. After being injured, having family issues at home, becoming depressed, being declined opportunities at work, and being put in increasingly more dangerous situations every day, I decided to leave my job as a cop for my own safety and sanity.

I had no idea where I wanted to go, but I knew I liked to serve people. I loved to give myself away. So, I decided to go back to wildland firefighting (a side job I had in college). I joined a small contract engine crew based out of Cody, Wyoming and packed what few belongings I had a moved out to the middle of nowhere (leaving my two therapy dogs behind with my parents).

I had an amazing first full season of wildland fire; visiting new places, learning about what fire does and how to best put it out, and how to learn and interact with all different kinds of people (that were not criminals!)

2016 – Berry Fire, Grand Teton National Park – Wyoming

In the winter of 2016, I returned home to Colorado and spent my time cutting trees and mitigating yards for people in my community. I went back to Wyoming for the 2017 fire season.

This is where things started to get bad. On June 2nd, 2017, I sustained a traumatic brain injury at the shop while we were upgrading our fire truck (I remember very little of this day. I’ll detail the whole situation out in the next blog). I was treated and sent home; back on fires in less than a week. I spent the rest of the season on an emotional roller coaster because I couldn’t adequately control my reactions and emotions and I couldn’t figure out why things seemed to keep going wrong (I’ll explain the deficits I sustained in the next blog).

2017 (post head injury) – Control Burn – Wyoming

I was medically separated from my firefighting company in September 2017 after my friend and co-worker was injured. I went into a dangerous depression and only found solace in my old friends. I was able to find work through October 2017, and upon returning home to my parents in Colorado in November, we all realized there was something not quite right with me.

I sought out help (this was very hard for my big ego, and bad-ass attitude to admit) and spent several months trying to find a neurologist and fighting with worker’s compensation to try to get them to pay to treat the effects of my injury from June. Long story short, I found my own insurance, and I found some doctors that actually cared about my situation. I also had a shoulder injury that needed to be addressed (that is still undetermined whether to be from my fall in June or from over use).

It’s difficult to try to explain my symptoms and struggles to people (even the ones I’ve known for a long time) because they can’t see that anything has changed. All of the symptoms of my injury are invisible and it is so hard for me to explain to my friends why I act differently. It’s hard to get support when people don’t understand what’s wrong so they don’t understand how to help.

I spent 18 months (and 172 appointments) going to different doctors, seeing therapists, having surgery, doing tests and imaging, going to counseling, and trying to get myself back to where I was before I got hurt. I thought that was an attainable goal because I had lived that way for so long. I didn’t realize that I would have to learn to live my life a little differently from then on. There was no going back to what I had. This has been a very long process for me with lots of setbacks and struggles in my own mind. And it will be an ongoing battle for the considerable future.

As I felt I was able to get a better handle on my emotions, reactions, problem solving, processing, and mobility and strength, I started to look for new places to take myself. I had done so much work trying to get myself better and I wanted to take my new experiences and skills and be able to use them and still do a job that I loved. I wanted to get back into wildland fire. I felt stuck where I was, so I applied and applied and applied to get on a new crew. I was offered a position in Montana and moved there in the spring of 2019.

There, I continued some of my therapies and focused a lot on my talk therapy and journaling (the things I could do best on my own). It’s been a rough process leaving all my friends and family and starting over, but I have a new respect for the obstacles I can overcome. I’m excited to continue to share my struggles and victories going forward as I master my deficits and continue to serve people and go further in the job I love.

Stay tuned for more stories about my traumatic brain injury and how I worked my way into wildland fire. I have a lot of information I think is worth sharing.

Taboo

Who is Anne? – My Story